How to Make a Million
1. Move to Switzerland for tax purposes.
2. “Steal” the part of Eliza (My Fair Lady) from the woman who played it on Broadway and could actually sing (Julie Andrews) and demand $1,000 a week for expenses while not actually realizing that another woman (Marnie Nixon) would actually play the voice of your song. Don’t get nominated for the Oscar.
3. Make a cameo appearance as an angel in a Steven Spielberg film (Always) then turn the money over to a charity of your choosing (UNICEF). Always take a part as a nun.
4. Marry a multilinqual man more than a decade older than you (Mel Ferrer) to tell you what to eat, what to wear, what to star in, and how much to change. Let him pimp you in the Amazon with a younger man (Anthony Perkins) to make a massive flop (Green Mansions) and then shove you in a basement as a blind woman to save his career (Wait Until Dark) thus ending your marriage but earning you an Oscar nod. Don’t get the Oscar.
5. Invest, invest, invest.
6. Star in a melodrama (Sidney Sheldon’s Bloodline), described as “a meretricious thriller of a type that would find its most exotic mutation in the next decade when series like Dallas and Dynasty hooked the viewing multitudes on several continents,” playing a pharmaceutical heiress half your age. Refer to this as “drawing your pension.”
7. Star as a cigarette girl, end as an angel: be a queen between.
8. Win an Oscar and a Tony for starring roles on screen and stage respectively (Roman Holiday and Ondine). Then, multiply your salary for Roman Holiday by an appropriate number with a repeating decimal (142.85142). Or, multiply your salary for Sabrina by a different by equally appropriate number with a different but equally repeating decimal (66.6). Or, total your salaries for War and Peace, Ondine, Mayerling, The Nun’s Story, The Unforgiven, and Green Mansions. Or, add up your salaries for Breakfast at Tiffany’s, Charade, Two for the Road, and How to Steal a Million and then divide by an appropriate number that does not repeat (3). What could be better than numbers?
9. Never eat too much. Try not to eat too little.
10. Clip coupons. Buy something smaller than a mansion (nine bedrooms) preferably in a small town. Stagger your salaries into yearly payments. Have an expensive divorce (at least once or twice). Live modestly as a matron in Rome (at least once or twice). Buy a lottery ticket and test your luck. Pick your numbers — pick with care.